The History of My Weight
Looking back at pictures, I was a normal weight for many of my younger years until I hit the second grade. I can tell in my school pic that I am already accumulating some extra weight around my abdomen. Things progressed upward from there. When I was in the eighth grade, I was up to a size 16 pair of pants. Unfortunately, I can’t remember my weight.
That year, I didn’t even purchase school pics. I didn’t want to look at them. My hairstyle was such that one of my eyes was partially covered by my bangs. I wanted to hide. I wasn’t happy at all.
At the end of that year, I went on a crash diet and I exercised as much as I could to a Richard Simmons video. I lost a lot of weight quickly and I remember standing on a scale and seeing my weight at 120. I was fitting in size 5/6 pants. Size 5/6!!
I walked into high school the first day of ninth grade and I was a different person. People started noticing me. I had confidence. I cut my bangs. I was walking on cloud nine.
I loved the way everyone looked at me and their jaw dropped. I felt so proud of what I had done. But today I am not proud.
That summer I ate very, very little. The one thing I did eat was lettuce wrapped around a thin sliver of cheese and lunchmeat. Then there was the bowls of lettuce and zero calorie dressing. Of course, sometimes I had to eat something a little more substantial, but sometimes it would be forced to come back up.
Now that I was in school, I started gaining weight. I was eating some junk food during lunch, but overall I wasn’t eating like I should be. My calorie intake was still quite low. In good ole gym class we had a tough teacher. She really made us work hard and I did because I have a fierce competition streak. I kept gaining weight and soon I was at 140. That wasn’t supposed to happen.
I kept eating little and the weight stayed. In hindsight, my guess is that I lost a lot of muscle over the summer and I gained some of it back with gym class. I wasn’t too happy about it, but I lived with it. When I graduated high school, I was still around the 140 mark.
Then came college. Oh boy. I’ve discussed a little on Blogging Away Debt how I went a little wild. I also discovered food all over again with the all you can eat at the dorm cafeteria. I’m not sure why, but I started eating more and more. The weight started creeping back on and by the time I was pregnant with my son I was over 200 lbs.
While pregnant, I never had that opportunity to have that baby belly. I was just big all over and looking at pictures of myself you really couldn’t tell I was pregnant until right before my son was born. Then I had a big enough belly where one would think that maybe I was pregnant.
After my son was born, I lost the weight I gained during the pregnancy and was losing more. I was almost into size 14 pants and I was feeling pretty good about myself. Then I left my very physical job and started working a desk job. The pounds started creeping back on.
They kept creeping back on and that brings us to today. A lack of physical activity and a poor diet is not a good combination.
I think back to when I was in my teens and I lost all of that weight. Part of me wants to lose all of my current weight quickly and wow everyone like I did back then. But, I’m older now and hopefully a bit wiser. What I did back then wasn’t good for my body; it was unhealthy. I want to do things right this time around. I want to lose weight sensibly and once I lose this weight I don’t want to be fat again. I don’t like being fat. I don’t like feeling like life is passing me by. I don’t like feeling like I am older than I am. I don’t like wondering if I’ll live long enough to meet my first grandchild.
I’ve done things the wrong way before. I want to do things right this time around. I know I still eat some less than healthy things now, and I’m slowly weaning myself off of them and trying to adopt healthier habits. I can’t do this change all at once. I know myself too well and I will relapse into unhealthy-eating-ville at the first sign of frustration.
I want this to last for the long haul.
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Comments
Tricia, You are so BRAVE to have expressed all this to the world, and especially to yourself. Most of us know the path to any kind of recovery is to admit and accept the truth, painful as it may be. You’re on the right path and I’m confident great things are in store for you. For me, I ignored my financial and weight problems for a long time. When I finally sat down and put the numbers on paper, I was utterly shocked how much things had spiraled out of control. After that, I was able to act and turn things around, ounce-by-ounce, dollar-by-dollar. Remember the tortoise and the hare?
To D, I’d suggest you see your doctor and get a full physical and mental workup. There may be something else going on. He/she may refer you to a counselor, a nutritionist and/or a proven weight-loss program (as my doc did). Don’t give up, you’re worth the effort!
D - you are very brave for sharing that with us. I just want to give you a big *HUG* right now! I agree with MVP about seeing a doctor. Have you been to one to discuss this? If there is something medical going on, then perhaps they can help you with that and you can go from there.
I do think it’s hard for men to understand especially when it comes to getting “active” when you are overweight and feeling less than beautiful. Any man readers care to share some light on this?
MVP - thank you. It’s actually harder for me to discuss my weight than it is my debt and I’m not sure why. Your vote of confidence means a lot to me and it’s great that you’ve been there and have taken control!
Tricia & MVP, yes, I did go to the doctor. The scale clearly shows on my medical chart the huge increase. He drew blood, did my annual checks and told me my blood pressure was good and everything is good. I told him, that is impossible. He told me it is part of getting old. I told him, I disagree my mother is not a huge house, like me.
I think I need another doctor. The bad thing is I would have to travel. My town is not large enough to have good options.
D, Being overweight is NOT a routine part of getting old. And even if your mother was overweight, that wouldn’t mean you’re destined to be heavy. Get another doctor, even if you have to drive a bit, and get yourself healthy. Heck, you could have a thyroid or any other type of problem, or you may just need to find another care provider who will address your whole body (including your head). Take control of your health - you only have one chance at life, you can do it!
While I am reading your post, I can’t help but wonder if most girls (not those toothpick ones) feel this way and struggle this way.
I was never a “tiny” girl. Although, at 5′4″ after my divorce I was fitting into 3/4’s but mainly I was a 5/6. That was my skinny time, not by choice - of course, it was a good size - I just didn’t eat. One of the side effects of divorce, no support and 3 kids to feed.
Now, that my life is more “comfortable” and I quit smoking I am huge. Mentally, I bash myself everyday. I don’t eat like a banshy or anything, but I couldn’t loose a pound to save my life.
I am riding about 180 (oh my, I can’t believe I typed this) right now. I feel ugly 98% of the time. I hurt maybe 98% of the time. I struggle breathing 98% of the time. I guess everything is just harder - when there is more of you.
I joined Curves for a year. I worked my tail off every other day. I was a girl on a mission. The gals there even were shocked when they saw me that I never lost a pound or an inch. Even when I would ride the bike for an hour as well.
So, I then purchased a very expensive but loaded with all the bells and whistles, treadmill. When I first started I would wear the heart monitor and the machine would literally turn off. I was not in a good place. I maybe got a mile in an hour - sad. I kept at it 7 days a week and finally worked up to 4 miles a day.
Did I lose weight? Inches? NO! NO! NO!
Here is the bad part. Since my work schedule is crazy. I barely can hit the treadmill once a week. So am I gaining weight? NO! I am exactly where I was.
I have rid myself of whites (think sugar busters) I eat less. I eat healthier and …..NOTHING.
I’m worried about my mental issues from this more. I just feel - something is really wrong with me.
I don’t feel beautiful. I feel old and fat. This is expressed in me every day. I think even I effect my marriage by these feelings. How do I say….I was very “active” in my marriage and now I just don’t feel good about me and being “active” is not something I enjoy like I did. Unless the lights are out and he is blind folded.
I just want to get this off my chest - my hubby doesn’t understand. And I wanted you to know - you are not alone!